Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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