I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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