i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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