I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
