Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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