And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
