come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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