She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
