i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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