I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
