Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
