So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
