I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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