Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
