Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
