I just saw a hot homeless man
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
