someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
