i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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