I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
