a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
