you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
