dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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