Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
How does it feel to date your dad?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
