I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
