my vag is so smooth its legendary
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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