And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
