Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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