dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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