Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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