i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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