she woke up with a sticky ear
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
