she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
