Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
