Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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