she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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