You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
