420 ftw
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
