:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
