Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
