I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
