What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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