I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
