i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
