More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
3pm strippers are depressing
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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