Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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