When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
