She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
