She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
