all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My ATM looks so different sober.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
