He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
