i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
