that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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