Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
