i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
